Cerin Amroth

Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder. I didn’t think it was possible to love Ella any more, but this week has allowed me to discover new pockets of love for her. I told Nate on the drive home from Common Grounds that I love her so much it hurts. The ache reaches all the way down to my toes.

This was my first week back at work. I elected to take my FMLA leave as 8 weeks full-time and 8 weeks half-time. I have to say that this law is probably one of the best on the books. It has to be the federal law that affects all citizens the most directly. Because it guarantees a certain amount of time, rather than a set number of days/weeks, you can extend the duration of weeks you’re on leave by mixing work hours with leave hours. And this method also allows one to ease back into work. Fortunately, Nate is Ella’s full-time caregiver, allowing me to return to work secure in knowing she is being lovingly cared for.

The weather gave me an ideal opportunity to ease into even part-time hours. We woke up to several inches of snow on Monday morning, so my office delayed opening by 2 hours. They also sent us home early that afternoon because of impending sleet. Since we had another 2-hour delay on Tuesday and it was my half day, I worked from home rather than braving the ice. On Thursday I participated in an all day committee meeting. So my first week back was short and light lifting.

The time I was away from Ella made the time we spent together that much sweeter. On Sunday, I had her to myself most of the day because Nate went to play backgammon. We spent most of our day talking to and smiling at each other. We must have spent nearly 30 minutes hanging out at her favorite place to have a conversation – laying on the changing pad. Since she eats every 2 hours during the day, I usually do my best to get other things done when she is not in my arms. But Sunday I tried to hold her as much as possible. On Sunday night, I refused to give her back to Nate after she was done eating. It’s the only time we have fought over holding her, and he graciously gave in to my demands to keep her longer.

Monday I really didn’t want to be at the office. It was nice to see my coworkers, but I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Part of it was certainly feeling cheated out of a snow day, but I also missed Ella. Thursday was a little easier to be back. I must admit that I love meetings. I like the time spent discussing issues (especially the nuances and finer points of policy) and plotting strategy. The committee meeting helped me remember what I like about my job and how it enhances my sense of purpose and identity. While it was hard to be away from Ella, I feel like I have the best of both worlds – working for a good cause, for an organization I respect, and with people I like; while at the same time being able to spend half my work week with the baby I love. She’s changing every day, and I get to watch and be a huge part of it. I’m definitely going to milk these 8 weeks for all that they’re worth.

Ella has new grounds for fussiness. Up until now, she would fret and cry when she was hungry, or when she had gas, but that was about it. Now, a third complaint seems to be cropping up: when she doesn’t have a good enough view. This can be appeased by holding her close to your chest with a clear view behind you, or by holding her in front of you facing out. Movement is also preferable; I’ve already given her the walking tour of the apartment more times than I can count.

She is also completely obsessed by the sun hood on her Vibrating Bouncy Chair. There’s nothing to it — it’s just a thin piece of fabric with all the cutesy Humpty Dumpty pictures and words on it, facing (for her) backwards. But today she spent a good hour sitting there staring at the hood, as if expecting it to do something. Very strange.

Some mothers may have to guess when their child is done nursing. Ella conveniently lets me know through body language when she is finished. First there is the back arch and head pull away. She sometimes does this while she is nursing, but it is usually accompanied by squeaks and/or grunts – indicating that she is passing gas – and, to my chagrin, does not let go of my nipple. When she does it at the end of the feeding process, she will let go without much of the aforementioned noise. As she pulls away, she pulls up her chin and lets her head loll back. The finishing touch is putting her arm straight up in the air with her hand in a fist. It’s either the All-Clear Signal or her infant power sign.

These are Ella’s nursing habits that cause my heart to skip a beat:

* Often, she goes into total melt down when she is hungry too quickly, and I don’t get the hand-off or pick-up until she is sobbing uncontrollably. Nonetheless, as soon as she knows she’s in my arms, she goes silent and begins looking up expectantly. This is often accompanied by an open mouth and rubbing her head on my upper arm. (Don’t ask me why she hasn’t figured out yet that the milk doesn’t come from there.) She also will make these noises that are halfway in between a giggle and a grunt.

* I usually put her bottom arm underneath my arm and around my back when I am feeding her. Sometimes she moves her hand so that it’s either grasping my back or laying alongside her face.

* She usually uses her top hand to grab hold of my shirt and hang on tightly. Other times, she places her open palm on my breast alonside her mouth.

* At times she shudders while she is eating or makes a dramatic sigh.

* If she accidentally unlatches and is eager to start eating again, she sometimes has trouble reconnecting. This often results in her doing multiple head butts on my breast before I help her.

* She often likes to establish direct eye contact while she is eating. And if I talk or sign to her, she will stop eating and listen.

* When she falls asleep while she is eating, she sometimes unlatches in a big toothless sleep smile. On a couple of occasions, these smiles have been accompanied by giggles. Other times, she’ll tuck her bottom lip under her top and look like she’s chewing as she continues to think of eating in her sleep.

* Sometimes she is so eager to eat that she begins gulping. I can actually hear the swallows rushing down her throat and landing in her stomach. When this happens, she usually have to stop eating, unlatch, and catch her breath.

* The best part is when she falls asleep while I am burping her and nestles up in my neck.

I am very fortunate that Ella was a good nurser from the very beginning. I haven’t had any difficulties, and she is always eager to eat. We sometimes have to wake her up if she falls asleep before eating enough, but that has decreased as she has gotten older. I didn’t know how I would feel about nursing, but I have discovered that I enjoy the time we spend together very much. It is truly amazing to think that my body continues to produce all she needs to grow – and, boy, has she grown! And I am very pleased to say that it is easy to be discreet about the process. It makes those “nursing capes”:http://www.growinglife.com/NursingAcc/ncape.htm seem awfully amusing.

Pictures 54-59 on the pictures site.

It’s after midnight, and Suanna and I are both pretty tired. We put Ella down in her bassinet and are just about to go to sleep when we hear the sound: SQLORT.

“She’s filling her diaper,” Suanna mumbles.

“I’ll get it,” I say. Tomorrow is Suanna’s first day back at work, after all, so I’m going to have to get used to being on point for nighttime activities.

Of course, it’s not as simple as just changing her diaper. From the sound of the initial “sqlort” it’s clear that this is going to be her daily Catalysmically Full Diaper, and we’ve learned the hard way that it fills over an extended period of time, with new infusions of material at irregular intervals over the space of ten or fifteen minutes. So I take off her pajamas, hike up her onesie, put her on the changing pad atop my dresser, and wait, wait, wait for her to finish her business.

And it strikes me that this is _exactly_ the sort of thing I used to dread whenever I thought about having kids: all the time that dealing with them eats up — not the play time, but the changing, and the feeding, and the burping, and the getting them to go to sleep. It turns out that in my pre-parenthood fears I significantly underestimated how much time a baby would take. But standing there with Ella, watching her squirm and knit her brow through bleary eyes, I think to myself: I was worried about _this_? Sure, it takes time, but it’s not that hard. You just do it. And the little rewards — like the fact that she smiles whenever she catches my reflection in the dresser mirror — make it all worthwhile.

Murphy’s Law dictates that as soon as I’ve got her diaper changed and put her back in bed, she decides to stay awake and demands to be held. So I’ve been bobbling her to sleep as best I can while I write this. Unanticipated second-volley sqlorts aside, I think we’re both finally, truly ready for bed. Wish us luck.

Ella is pleased to welcome a new cousin to the world this morning. Lydia Ruth was born last night at 11:50 p.m. to my sister-in-law Lise and brother Cory after a speedy labor. Lydia’s sister Clara announced her arrival to me on the phone this morning. It was very sweet to hear the enthusiasm in her voice. She was certain all along that she was going to have a sister (Lise and Cory decided to keep the baby’s gender a surprise).

We are very excited that Ella will have a cousin the same age to grow up with. As we gave Ella a bath this morning, we talked to her about all the baths she will take with Lydia. It will be fascinating to see what resemblances they will have and how they will interact with each other.

Congratulations, Lise, Cory, Clara, and Caleb. We cannot wait to meet you, Lydia!

Thoughts that occurred to me during a late-night feeding session:

* By the time I feed, burp, change, and put Ella back down to sleep – I’m awake.

* It’s harder to get a burp during night feedings.

* She eats less in the middle of the night – perhaps causing the aforementioned comment.

* _I_ want to eat more when I’m awake in the middle of the night. And how did I ever stay asleep when I obviously have to pee so badly?

* How many times do I have to check to make sure she’s breathing before I can fall asleep? Multiply the answer times two if she’s doing that super shallow breathing and/or I keep getting up to add bullets to this list.

* There’s nothing like a face-size, toothless sleepy grin to make me feel like I’m doing at least one thing right in the world.

It seems that everyone is drawn to do it when they see a baby – put a finger in the baby’s tiny hand. We have been doing it with Ella since day one. Over the course of 6 weeks, we have felt the strength of her grip develop. In the past week, she has given us undeniable proof that the muscles in her tiny fingers are getting stronger. On Saturday, we were at her Uncle Cory and Aunt Lise’s house in the morning. She was very alert, so we were all talking to her. Caleb got a baby rattle from his toybox and put it in her hand. She not only put her fingers around it but held it in her hand for several minutes, while shaking it up and down.

The other demonstration came with a bit of pain. I was walking over to the changing station in the Bruinooge basement, and she grabbed on to my hair and gave it a yank. I thought it was just a short demonstration of her gripping skills. When I laid her on the changing table, I was amazed to discover that she continued to hold on to my hair. Now I?m going to have to reconsider this below-the-shoulder hairstyle. Just wait until she sinks her fingers into Nate’s lovely locks.

We travelled to Michigan by car for the holidays and were very relieved that Ella handled the trip very well. Happily, the motion of the car put her to sleep for most of the time. On the way up, we divided the time with an overnight stay with friends in Cleveland. The first day took a lot longer than usual due to poorly timed feedings. We had to stop before Breezewood (the 2-hour waypoint) to feed Ella. That lead to two additional stops along the way for feedings. We got smarter on the second day with our take-off time. I was also able to feed her in the car in Michigan due to a state law that allows breastfeeding in the car.

We decided to make the trip home in one day. Nate was the hero of the day because he handled all the driving. We usually split it up, but we wanted someone to sit in the back by Ella. I was that someone for the entire trip because there isn’t enough space for Nate to sit comfortably. Ella was again a sleepy baby in the carseat for most of the trip. And we made it in great time by timing our feedings with Ella’s feedings. Despite that, Ella told us in no uncertain terms that 13 hours in the car was entirely too long. She spent the last 2 hours fussing on and off. We stopped just before Frederick to give her an early feeding to try to calm her. It did the trick for about 10 minutes, and then she started crying again. I finally got her to sleep about halfway down 270. We spent the rest of the night and next day apologizing for what we put her through.